This is great advice. I have a friend who has cancer, in her early 40s. When I found out, I was shocked and my initial reaction was just "that is horrible, that's so unfair, you must be so angry!". Not bc I had thought of what to say or knew what to say but just bc I was so stunned. Turned out it was exactly what she wanted to hear bc she was indeed furious and dwelling on how unfair it was, and everyone else had kept telling her how brave and what a survivor she was etc. Eventually she stopped telling people altogether and just started hiding it bc she was so sick of all the positivity and didn't want to hear that when she was facing this horrible thing that happened for no reason other than bad luck. I hadn't really thought of any of this before she related to me how oppressive if felt, and almost like she had a duty to put on a brace face and make OTHER PEOPLE feel better about HER cancer, because they didn't want to deal with it.
Hi Kate, Thanks for sharing this. Ugh, I can only imagine how unbearable the "you're so brave" positive spin commentary was for your friend. Your more real and raw reaction is a better model to emulate — somethings just suck and are unfair.
Jeff, thanks for writing this and for including the questions you're still unraveling. I didn't realize until I moved back closer to my parents and siblings five years ago, but some form of "jolly" is expected at all times in my family. I've noticed it blocks me from connecting with them as authentically and am trying to learn how to not put on a happy face all the time when I'm with them. Adopting both of our daughters has also opened my eyes to my own toxic positivity. I had created a book for my oldest when she was two—similar to the book you created for your son—that explained her adoption story, but the entire thing is caked in toxic positivity. Happy, love, joy, kisses, happy, happy, happy. We're correcting it now so she knows it's safe to talk about the sadness and grief she feels, but man, did I do it all wrong at first. For some reason the word "toxic" doesn't land with me. "Unrelenting" or "overbearing" might sit better for me personally, especially when I think about the good intentions of my parents trying to do their best to toughen up and smile their way through anything difficult. They were both farmers, up at 5am as young kids to milk the cows before school, and I think there just wasn't time for sadness or complaining. It was more of a survival strategy that turned into an expectation. Sorry for the long comment. I could go on for hours about this one. So thanks for putting it out there.
Wow Brenda, thanks so much for sharing these thoughts. You're right we could both go on about this stuff haha! I especially love your insight on the messaging to your kids. I hadn't even thought of my own child's story in this vein.... Super-interesting. I also appreciate your insight into the jolly dynamic in your family and the perspective on its source. That strikes me as a a sign of maturity when we can see these dynamics and also understand the source or "why" behind them. Thanks again and good hearing from you.
I used to date a barbie-esque single mom who was also born-again, presumably to cover for her poor decisions in life. When telling her my grandmother was dying after years of decline, the Barbie gf told me smilingly that, "she'll be in Heaven soon," as if I should feel joyful. So after sitting in shock and not looking her in the eye out of disgust, I let the argument happen. That was the end of that. I'm sure said ex gf found a new John quickly after.
Jeff, thank you for the reminder that not every problem or setback is magically cured through butterflies, rainbows, glittering confetti and pasted-on smiles. Sometimes, the only (or the best) reaction to a given situation is to sit with it and hold space ... either for oneself or someone else in pain. There are indeed times when "Turn your frown upside down..." can help, but we need to be aware of when it could be counterproductive.
I'm sorry for your loss. It's hard to navigate death as an adult, and even harder as a parent when you have to grieve yourself and be there for your child in their grief. The urge to fix or minimize feelings because they hurt is so strong. No one wants to see someone they love hurt.
This article has stuck with me for days. My friend died at 42 and she was the only child of Chinese immigrants. When the service ended, and they were moving the coffin her mom stopped them and she screamed and wailed as she had to say goodbye to her child. It was one of the most heartbreaking things I've ever seen and the antithesis of American grief processing. It was also the most authentic and healthiest expression of grief and anguish I've seen in my life. I wish we could make more space for that type of response in our grief process instead of the 'everything will be ok' response.
Thank you, and my condolences for the loss of your friend. Your friend's mom's grieving is so real and gut-wrenching; it's a powerful image. I agree we should make more space for big emotions like that.
Thanks for this. I kept thinking of Job’s friends as I read this. They were so great at just sitting with Job in his grief after the unrelentingly awful things happened to him (death of his children, loss of his property and wealth, disease of his body). And then they opened their mouths and tried to explain why the stuff happened (spoiler alert: they were mostly, almost totally, wrong). Nothing new under the sun, man. We all tend to put our feet in our mouths.
I definitely think people react however they do out of a sense of fear. Sometimes it’s victimhood, sometimes it’s toxic positivity. They both stem from the same underlying thing. It’s important to recognize why we tend to move to one or the other.
…an interesting observation Jeff…I wonder where else we are habituating the falsification of emotion/etc. …discomfort deserves more praise, or at least space…mental health issues while normalized are still centered on solutions…would it even be possible to acknowledge something like depression as an average or okay possibility…anger/etc. I don’t have answers…but acceptance support and space for eachother seems light years from the current collective approach…
Thanks 'Fis. Those are interesting and juicy questions. I'll have to think about them. I do believe in acceptance and space, and allowing humans to experience the full range of emotions so long as we're not doing harm to others. It's interesting how differently our society treats, say, tears compared to anger. I'm not sure how depression and mental illness fit into all of this. Maybe it comes down to meeting people where they are.
Thanks for linking your Porch Sitters piece in the midst of this one; as a new grandmother, Sherry's example is inspiring, and yet I'm no where near slowing down to that level of relaxed presence. The tide of virtual activity is rising so quickly now... As a retiring therapist, I regret the term 'toxic positivity,' because, as you state in this piece, your impulse to 'tie the pretty bow' around your son's grief arose out of fear. I love how you have guided us through your learning curve about allowing emotions to breathe. Breathing has an inhale, and an exhale; waves of emotion have a surge, a crest, and an ebb flow. The veteran with whom you practiced coaching felt so glad and grateful because you hung in there with him while he rode the whole wave all the way to the ebbing. And your compassion for yourself in this piece, learning to be with your son's grief, lets us feel the settling and ease that arrives with understanding and acceptance. Maybe sometimes 'toxic positivity' is merely dysynchrony, an attempt to push a wave of feeling instead of trusting that it will roll through on its own.
Thanks Alden, and congrats on becoming a grandmother! The point you make at the end is interesting. It seems to me there's a time and place for jolting someone with a wave of positive feeling, as you suggest. But also that too much positivity too soon is, indeed, toxic. Or can be. The lines get blurry. My own view is that we're all too human and should give ourselves grace in dealing with this stuff. It's worth keeping in mind that those engaging in toxic positivity generally have positive intent; that does matter imo.
Interesting that you heard me suggest jolting someone with a wave of positive feeling at an appropriate time or place! Not what I meant at all. I meant that if you can think of feelings as waves, yours or someone else's, you can allow them to move at their own pace and rhythm. Your process questions to the veteran were aimed at witnessing and allowing him to fully experience his wave. The more we recognize the motion of emotions, the less we need to do anything about them. Remarkably, the evolutionary purpose of fear is to get you to pay attention, which you did with your son, immediately changing course when he rejected your platitude. I completely agree that we should give ourselves, and each other, grace when dealing with this stuff. Never an exact science, this humanity, and we're all making it up as we go along. This is what I enjoy most about your newsletter, you share your process and your clear intentions in beautifully discreet, and unpredictable, waves.
My condolences to you and your family. Praying that God grant you peace and understanding during this time.
Pain creates the scab that prevents these moments from happening again. This is why these moments are called lessons. No bright side. No happy ending. In my life when I have made mistakes like these, it's usually followed by an epiphany (not always immediately), an experience or encounter that forces me to look back at this moment, makes me say "that's why that happened.
That's how I learned to stop having those moments.
This is great advice. I have a friend who has cancer, in her early 40s. When I found out, I was shocked and my initial reaction was just "that is horrible, that's so unfair, you must be so angry!". Not bc I had thought of what to say or knew what to say but just bc I was so stunned. Turned out it was exactly what she wanted to hear bc she was indeed furious and dwelling on how unfair it was, and everyone else had kept telling her how brave and what a survivor she was etc. Eventually she stopped telling people altogether and just started hiding it bc she was so sick of all the positivity and didn't want to hear that when she was facing this horrible thing that happened for no reason other than bad luck. I hadn't really thought of any of this before she related to me how oppressive if felt, and almost like she had a duty to put on a brace face and make OTHER PEOPLE feel better about HER cancer, because they didn't want to deal with it.
Hi Kate, Thanks for sharing this. Ugh, I can only imagine how unbearable the "you're so brave" positive spin commentary was for your friend. Your more real and raw reaction is a better model to emulate — somethings just suck and are unfair.
Jeff, thanks for writing this and for including the questions you're still unraveling. I didn't realize until I moved back closer to my parents and siblings five years ago, but some form of "jolly" is expected at all times in my family. I've noticed it blocks me from connecting with them as authentically and am trying to learn how to not put on a happy face all the time when I'm with them. Adopting both of our daughters has also opened my eyes to my own toxic positivity. I had created a book for my oldest when she was two—similar to the book you created for your son—that explained her adoption story, but the entire thing is caked in toxic positivity. Happy, love, joy, kisses, happy, happy, happy. We're correcting it now so she knows it's safe to talk about the sadness and grief she feels, but man, did I do it all wrong at first. For some reason the word "toxic" doesn't land with me. "Unrelenting" or "overbearing" might sit better for me personally, especially when I think about the good intentions of my parents trying to do their best to toughen up and smile their way through anything difficult. They were both farmers, up at 5am as young kids to milk the cows before school, and I think there just wasn't time for sadness or complaining. It was more of a survival strategy that turned into an expectation. Sorry for the long comment. I could go on for hours about this one. So thanks for putting it out there.
Wow Brenda, thanks so much for sharing these thoughts. You're right we could both go on about this stuff haha! I especially love your insight on the messaging to your kids. I hadn't even thought of my own child's story in this vein.... Super-interesting. I also appreciate your insight into the jolly dynamic in your family and the perspective on its source. That strikes me as a a sign of maturity when we can see these dynamics and also understand the source or "why" behind them. Thanks again and good hearing from you.
thank you for your honesty in sharing these "oops" moments! learning so much from them.
Thanks Christin!
I used to date a barbie-esque single mom who was also born-again, presumably to cover for her poor decisions in life. When telling her my grandmother was dying after years of decline, the Barbie gf told me smilingly that, "she'll be in Heaven soon," as if I should feel joyful. So after sitting in shock and not looking her in the eye out of disgust, I let the argument happen. That was the end of that. I'm sure said ex gf found a new John quickly after.
Ah man, that's a classic example. Dodged a bullet.
Jeff, thank you for the reminder that not every problem or setback is magically cured through butterflies, rainbows, glittering confetti and pasted-on smiles. Sometimes, the only (or the best) reaction to a given situation is to sit with it and hold space ... either for oneself or someone else in pain. There are indeed times when "Turn your frown upside down..." can help, but we need to be aware of when it could be counterproductive.
I'm sorry for your loss. It's hard to navigate death as an adult, and even harder as a parent when you have to grieve yourself and be there for your child in their grief. The urge to fix or minimize feelings because they hurt is so strong. No one wants to see someone they love hurt.
This article has stuck with me for days. My friend died at 42 and she was the only child of Chinese immigrants. When the service ended, and they were moving the coffin her mom stopped them and she screamed and wailed as she had to say goodbye to her child. It was one of the most heartbreaking things I've ever seen and the antithesis of American grief processing. It was also the most authentic and healthiest expression of grief and anguish I've seen in my life. I wish we could make more space for that type of response in our grief process instead of the 'everything will be ok' response.
Thank you, and my condolences for the loss of your friend. Your friend's mom's grieving is so real and gut-wrenching; it's a powerful image. I agree we should make more space for big emotions like that.
Thanks for this. I kept thinking of Job’s friends as I read this. They were so great at just sitting with Job in his grief after the unrelentingly awful things happened to him (death of his children, loss of his property and wealth, disease of his body). And then they opened their mouths and tried to explain why the stuff happened (spoiler alert: they were mostly, almost totally, wrong). Nothing new under the sun, man. We all tend to put our feet in our mouths.
I definitely think people react however they do out of a sense of fear. Sometimes it’s victimhood, sometimes it’s toxic positivity. They both stem from the same underlying thing. It’s important to recognize why we tend to move to one or the other.
Thanks again.
Thanks, appreciate these insights.
…an interesting observation Jeff…I wonder where else we are habituating the falsification of emotion/etc. …discomfort deserves more praise, or at least space…mental health issues while normalized are still centered on solutions…would it even be possible to acknowledge something like depression as an average or okay possibility…anger/etc. I don’t have answers…but acceptance support and space for eachother seems light years from the current collective approach…
Thanks 'Fis. Those are interesting and juicy questions. I'll have to think about them. I do believe in acceptance and space, and allowing humans to experience the full range of emotions so long as we're not doing harm to others. It's interesting how differently our society treats, say, tears compared to anger. I'm not sure how depression and mental illness fit into all of this. Maybe it comes down to meeting people where they are.
Thoughtful and sincere. Strong work.
Thank you!
Thanks for linking your Porch Sitters piece in the midst of this one; as a new grandmother, Sherry's example is inspiring, and yet I'm no where near slowing down to that level of relaxed presence. The tide of virtual activity is rising so quickly now... As a retiring therapist, I regret the term 'toxic positivity,' because, as you state in this piece, your impulse to 'tie the pretty bow' around your son's grief arose out of fear. I love how you have guided us through your learning curve about allowing emotions to breathe. Breathing has an inhale, and an exhale; waves of emotion have a surge, a crest, and an ebb flow. The veteran with whom you practiced coaching felt so glad and grateful because you hung in there with him while he rode the whole wave all the way to the ebbing. And your compassion for yourself in this piece, learning to be with your son's grief, lets us feel the settling and ease that arrives with understanding and acceptance. Maybe sometimes 'toxic positivity' is merely dysynchrony, an attempt to push a wave of feeling instead of trusting that it will roll through on its own.
Thanks Alden, and congrats on becoming a grandmother! The point you make at the end is interesting. It seems to me there's a time and place for jolting someone with a wave of positive feeling, as you suggest. But also that too much positivity too soon is, indeed, toxic. Or can be. The lines get blurry. My own view is that we're all too human and should give ourselves grace in dealing with this stuff. It's worth keeping in mind that those engaging in toxic positivity generally have positive intent; that does matter imo.
Interesting that you heard me suggest jolting someone with a wave of positive feeling at an appropriate time or place! Not what I meant at all. I meant that if you can think of feelings as waves, yours or someone else's, you can allow them to move at their own pace and rhythm. Your process questions to the veteran were aimed at witnessing and allowing him to fully experience his wave. The more we recognize the motion of emotions, the less we need to do anything about them. Remarkably, the evolutionary purpose of fear is to get you to pay attention, which you did with your son, immediately changing course when he rejected your platitude. I completely agree that we should give ourselves, and each other, grace when dealing with this stuff. Never an exact science, this humanity, and we're all making it up as we go along. This is what I enjoy most about your newsletter, you share your process and your clear intentions in beautifully discreet, and unpredictable, waves.
I must’ve misinterpreted the dyssonchrony metaphor. Thank you for clarifying! This makes much more sense to me. I love it in fact.
Thanks! It’s fun to toss thoughts back and forth…
My condolences to you and your family. Praying that God grant you peace and understanding during this time.
Pain creates the scab that prevents these moments from happening again. This is why these moments are called lessons. No bright side. No happy ending. In my life when I have made mistakes like these, it's usually followed by an epiphany (not always immediately), an experience or encounter that forces me to look back at this moment, makes me say "that's why that happened.
That's how I learned to stop having those moments.
Thanks Romell.
I believe that our honesty gives others permission to do the same. Grief and all.
Good point - I agree