A letter to myself in 2015

Personal reflections on politics and grief, and my path into the Trump movement

My older brother Spencer the summer before he died playing with his dogs Angel and Bella

October 10, 2023

Dear Jeff,

Shut your laptop and read this. I am writing to you from eight years into the future. I understand where you are right now — I mean emotionally, not the coffee shop where you’re reading this in October 2015.

You are heartbroken and mourning and no one knows it, not even you. You are still reeling from the call you got in March, the week before your 40th birthday, when they found Spencer’s dead body. Your first memory after receiving the call was crying in Yoga class the next morning. You think you’ve conquered your grief by now, but I want to tell you: You haven’t.

The official cause of your older brother’s death was hypothermia, but to this day no one knows what happened. We don’t know why his trailer burned down on the mountain pass. We don’t know how he ended up dead on that mountain with his dog Angel feeding on his remains. This is what is so agonizing about a mentally ill brother gone missing. The ambiguity, the lack of resolution. 

Spencer was the big brother who could make anything feel like magic— a fort, a salami sandwich, a canoe trip down the Russian River, a special spot in the Redwoods. His loss will lead you to the best decision of your life, having a child. Spencer will be the middle name of your child. You will adore this child.

Spencer’s loss also will lead you down a political path, which you will regret. By now, October 2015, you are already heading down this path by dabbling in alternative-right intellectual circles. Next year, you will help Donald Trump win the Presidency.

I know you can rattle off intellectual justifications for going down this path, but I want you to understand the psychology behind what you are doing. You see, Spencer is your stand-in for the Middle American who is left behind, the lost brother. The reason you seek out straight “bro” friends in these nascent movements is because they represent Spencer. Grievance politics, including white-racial grievances, are resonating with you because of Spencer too. Advocating for white working-class Americans feels like advocating for Spencer. And let’s be honest: You empathize with their palpable feelings of dispossession.

Walking down this Trumpian political path is your way of honoring Spencer, and this is noble in some ways. I see you turning your focus from the billionaire-coopted libertarian movement to a politics centered around the needs of working- and middle-class Americans. And I know you care. My question for you, though, is whether this political movement truly serves these people. Looking at it from 2023, I see the Trump movement as a con that weaponizes peoples’ grievances and grifts off of Middle American grandmas. It does not represent the positive-sum vision you have where all Americans benefit. It is neither constructive nor competent. You know Spencer would’ve gone full MAGA had he remained alive, which is part of the reason you are doing it. It feels brotherly, but this is grief-stricken logic.

There are other psychological factors leading you down this path too. I notice, for example, that you are going to happy hour more frequently these days. When the clock strikes 6, I see you at the gay bar below your home, sitting on a lounge chair, cocktail in one hand, and your phone in the other hand. You say hi to friends and then retreat to Twitter. You are addicted to dopamine and misery. You achieved early career success and financial security, and bravo for that. But it has created a vacuum of purpose. Drinking and politics are filling that space. You are psychologically primed for the logic of “The Flight 93 Election,” the idea that electing Trump is somehow existential for saving the country. Instant purpose.

You have a chip on your shoulder too, even if you would never admit this. After hemming and hawing for years, it became clear after Spencer’s funeral that you needed to sever your relationship with your dad. This too is a source of grief in your life right now, and psychological fuel for your political path. Has it occurred to you that your bitterness about boomers and “the establishment” is a projection of your issues with dad? You are a bit of a Gen X cliche, Jeff!

Yes, the “corrupt elite” trope has merit, and the establishment has drifted from serving American citizens. But be forewarned: the movement you are supporting will elevate figures who are even more clownish, corrupt, and incompetent. You are not honoring Spencer by LARPing (live action role playing) as a populist and tolerating stupidity. You honor him by embracing your privilege and using it to serve, not by stewing in grievances like a sullen child. Serving is different from indulging.

It is interesting from this vantage point to see the lies you tell yourself to justify hanging out in rightwing circles. One lie you tell yourself is that you are doing so to conduct research for your NATO writings. This is partly true but secondary to your awakened political curiosity. It is good to be intellectually curious, but I want to warn you not to let your curiosity lead you to morally compromised situations. Earnestness, talent, and a chip on the shoulder is a dangerous combination. Ground yourself in your moral compass and learn to say no to certain people and situations.

You do not realize this now, but the 2016 election will turn out to be a shit storm. It will be raked over and investigated, and corrupt forces will co-opt it. I realize you just want to use your talent to support the candidate, but know that this will haunt you despite your earnest intentions. And for what? The candidate is a fraud. 

Right now, you see Trump as a form of disruptive innovation in politics. When he wins the Presidency, you will give a speech on “a new type of Republican” at an inauguration party called the Deploraball, which you will organize. Looking at this from 2023, the case for a reform movement is not wrong, but your grief has put blinders on you. Over the next few years, you will come to realize that Trump cannot execute on his reform agenda. He acts like a buffoon and narcissist. Following the 2020 election, whatever remaining illusions you have about the Trump movement will be put to rest when Trump attempts a coup and self-described “Constitutional conservatives” stand by and enable it. This too will cause grief. It will feel like waking up from a bad dream.

So please listen: Do not blind yourself to character issues just because someone is on your side. Define your political friends as those who want American democracy to succeed, regardless of their political party. Ok?

Speaking of character, I want you to know that you are a good man, Jeff, and always have been. Please remember this through your mistakes and misjudgments. Don’t let anyone convince you otherwise.

Eight years from now you will write this on a laptop at your home in Florida. You will not have touched alcohol in nearly three years. Your six-year-old son, named after Spencer, will be at your feet watching a TV show. In an hour, you will read him a story, tuck him into bed, and kiss him on the cheek.

You will be making America good, if not great, just not in the way you expected.

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