Jeff, thank you for writing about the tension between independence and belonging. As a Zillennial, I often find myself lamenting to my friends these days about how lonely our generation is.
I think an important aspect of ambient belonging is "we're all in this together," as in we're all dealing with this hard problem that is life, together. Some of my friendships were formed because we bore witness to tough moments in each other's lives -- we couldn't solve each others' problems completely, but we were there. As people's lives grow more private, I've felt that peoples' suffering have gone private, as well, and suffering in private can be an extremely isolating and painful experience.
As an immigrant from a collectivist culture I really value western individualism, and the rights it grants to people. I have seen how collectivist cultures erases the selfhood of people, and it was not pretty. But on the other hand, belonging does require giving myself away for something bigger than myself. I'm still figuring out how to reconcile them; maybe the tension is just part of the human condition.
Hi Jas, thanks for making the generational connection. It seems like middle-aged men like me and Gen Zers like you are both on the leading edge of these challenges. I share your tension between individualism and collectivism.
By the way, I agree that shared challenges and common objectives are key to creating a sense of ambient belonging. Complaining about the same things is a surprisingly powerful way to build connection. :)
Good piece. While you may not see eye to eye with Robert Reich on some things, he wrote something a long time ago that this piece reminds me of - the idea that we today can purchase isolation and “sorting,” both of which serve as indicators of success. However, this comes at the cost of the “ambience” that you speak of, and to the detriment of community (English documentarian Adam Curtis touched on this in his magnum opus, “The century of the self.”)
I like this piece. I am your age and have been thinking about this my whole life because I moved away from where I grew up to try to make more money and be independent. I have not heard the term "ambient belonging" but it did seem to exist before this essay but it is good to put a name on it and you used it better than the other uses of it I found on a search. It is something like that feeling people from our generation get watching the open theme song and pictures before the show Cheers. Hard to put into words. Now as an empty nester after raising 5 kids who kept that isolated feeling away, have to figure out the next move. My wife also just did a shorter version of the Camino in the heat with other mid 50s women. I am working on a book about Italian American assimilation and in part of it I write about the disruption to urban Little Italy's from highways and housing projects and how disorienting it was to many of the the mid 20th century first and second generation Italians who just wanted to stay in their neighborhoods with family and relatives in the neighborhood but were scattered to the suburbs.
Hi Michael - Thanks for sharing your thoughts. Congrats on achieving empty-nest status after raising five kids. I thought about the tenements-to-suburbs phenomenon with immigrants to NYC as I wrote this. Tenements were a kind of social engine despite the issues with it, and suburbs must have come with a loss of ambient belonging, as you suggest. With our generation, I think many of us miss having a sense of place, home, anchored identity, and thicker social ties. It's interesting how we achieve and buy our way out of it too. I sometimes look at hs classmates and think, I went all around the world just to achieve what these guys did by staying home. Hard to put my finger on, but I think I understand what you're getting at.
Affluence brings choice and like any choice, there are good and bad decisions. But there are some decisions that are simply different without being either good or bad, just different.
When you belong to a lot of clubs -- when I was in business and with kids, I belonged to a country club, a social club that emphasized kids (sort of like a social babysitting club), YPO, and a downtown club -- you meet a lot of similarly positioned club people.
I justified the country club and the downtown club based solely on business.
You rubbed shoulders with people like you except I always felt like a Fifth Columnist as this was not even remotely how I had actually grown up.
As to where you live that is the most important decision you make. I moved from high powered Austin by God Texas to slow, southern Savannah and live in a century old home now. It makes a gigantic difference. You have a broad swath of different neighbors.
The trip you took sounds amazing. Bravo and well played.
Jeff, thank you for writing about the tension between independence and belonging. As a Zillennial, I often find myself lamenting to my friends these days about how lonely our generation is.
I think an important aspect of ambient belonging is "we're all in this together," as in we're all dealing with this hard problem that is life, together. Some of my friendships were formed because we bore witness to tough moments in each other's lives -- we couldn't solve each others' problems completely, but we were there. As people's lives grow more private, I've felt that peoples' suffering have gone private, as well, and suffering in private can be an extremely isolating and painful experience.
As an immigrant from a collectivist culture I really value western individualism, and the rights it grants to people. I have seen how collectivist cultures erases the selfhood of people, and it was not pretty. But on the other hand, belonging does require giving myself away for something bigger than myself. I'm still figuring out how to reconcile them; maybe the tension is just part of the human condition.
Hi Jas, thanks for making the generational connection. It seems like middle-aged men like me and Gen Zers like you are both on the leading edge of these challenges. I share your tension between individualism and collectivism.
By the way, I agree that shared challenges and common objectives are key to creating a sense of ambient belonging. Complaining about the same things is a surprisingly powerful way to build connection. :)
Good piece. While you may not see eye to eye with Robert Reich on some things, he wrote something a long time ago that this piece reminds me of - the idea that we today can purchase isolation and “sorting,” both of which serve as indicators of success. However, this comes at the cost of the “ambience” that you speak of, and to the detriment of community (English documentarian Adam Curtis touched on this in his magnum opus, “The century of the self.”)
It’s definitely true.
I like this piece. I am your age and have been thinking about this my whole life because I moved away from where I grew up to try to make more money and be independent. I have not heard the term "ambient belonging" but it did seem to exist before this essay but it is good to put a name on it and you used it better than the other uses of it I found on a search. It is something like that feeling people from our generation get watching the open theme song and pictures before the show Cheers. Hard to put into words. Now as an empty nester after raising 5 kids who kept that isolated feeling away, have to figure out the next move. My wife also just did a shorter version of the Camino in the heat with other mid 50s women. I am working on a book about Italian American assimilation and in part of it I write about the disruption to urban Little Italy's from highways and housing projects and how disorienting it was to many of the the mid 20th century first and second generation Italians who just wanted to stay in their neighborhoods with family and relatives in the neighborhood but were scattered to the suburbs.
Hi Michael - Thanks for sharing your thoughts. Congrats on achieving empty-nest status after raising five kids. I thought about the tenements-to-suburbs phenomenon with immigrants to NYC as I wrote this. Tenements were a kind of social engine despite the issues with it, and suburbs must have come with a loss of ambient belonging, as you suggest. With our generation, I think many of us miss having a sense of place, home, anchored identity, and thicker social ties. It's interesting how we achieve and buy our way out of it too. I sometimes look at hs classmates and think, I went all around the world just to achieve what these guys did by staying home. Hard to put my finger on, but I think I understand what you're getting at.
Interesting, thoughtful read.
Affluence brings choice and like any choice, there are good and bad decisions. But there are some decisions that are simply different without being either good or bad, just different.
When you belong to a lot of clubs -- when I was in business and with kids, I belonged to a country club, a social club that emphasized kids (sort of like a social babysitting club), YPO, and a downtown club -- you meet a lot of similarly positioned club people.
I justified the country club and the downtown club based solely on business.
You rubbed shoulders with people like you except I always felt like a Fifth Columnist as this was not even remotely how I had actually grown up.
As to where you live that is the most important decision you make. I moved from high powered Austin by God Texas to slow, southern Savannah and live in a century old home now. It makes a gigantic difference. You have a broad swath of different neighbors.
The trip you took sounds amazing. Bravo and well played.
Place really does make a difference. Savannah seems like it’s been a good move for you.
Daughter and 3 granddaughters made it easy.