80,000 dads and not a friend in sight
Lonely men should seek fellowship before friendship
I have a wife and son and no friends. I haven’t had friends for seven years. Does anyone else have no friends?
I’m in a Facebook group with 80,000 dads called “Life of Dad.” Most posts are about cheating wives, divorce dilemmas, parenting hiccups, and career issues. All the drama makes it fun to read. It’s like a collective Dear Abby for dads.
Last month a member of the group posted anonymously about having no friends, paraphrased above, and it was one of the most popular posts in the group. 142 men commented on it saying, in effect, Same here.
While many of the commenters regretted not having more friends, a number of men wrote comments like, I have no friends and am OK with it. Too busy with wife, kids and job.
As I read the ok-with-it responses, I felt something in me rise to the surface, like a bubble from the floor of the ocean. I realized I related to these guys.
Maybe concerns about the “male friend recession”1 and “male loneliness epidemic”2 get something wrong by presuming men want friendships. Maybe it’s more complicated than that.
Maybe concerns about the “male friend recession” and “male loneliness epidemic” get something wrong by presuming men want friendships. Maybe it’s more complicated than that.
Friendship is hard. I have never been good at cultivating friendships, partly because I’m an introvert and protect my energy like an overzealous terrier. And yet I love the friends I have and would do anything for them.
After my son was born, I walled myself off socially. I was the primary parent and only had so much time and energy beyond work and family. As a portfolio manager would say, my allocation to friendship was small. When I had the time to see friends I often lacked the energy, and when I had the energy I often lacked the time. When childless friends invited me to go to a movie or dinner spontaneously, I would respond with a low-key Maggie-Smith-in-Downton-Abbey attitude that was like, Do you not realize I need to line up a babysitter? Their invitations came less frequently.
I hit rock bottom on friendship during Covid. I was parenting a toddler full time and living at our cabin in the woods, anything to get out of neurotic Washington DC. I was depressed, exhausted, and didn’t want to talk to anyone. My one outlet was the group chat on my phone where guys shared workout tips, Covid intel, and relationship advice. I felt so much less lonely during Covid because of this single outlet. I concluded that it was because of fellowship.
Around that time, I wrote an article3 on fellowship and came to appreciate the differences between fellowship and friendship. You see, fellowship is group-based and centered around a shared interest or activity, whereas friendship is a one-on-one relationship. Fellowship comes from the ancient Greek work koinonia, which means joint participation. If you think of an athletic team, fellowship is being part of the team, while friendships are the individual relationships you selectively form with other players.
If you think of an athletic team, fellowship is being part of the team, while friendships are the individual relationships you selectively form with other players.
A few months after writing that article, we moved to Florida as Covid refugees. As we settled in our new home, I consciously decided to seek fellowship rather than trying to make friends. I looked for groups to join and lightweight bonds to forge over common activities. Over time, I found fellowship among parents at my son’s school and at the playground. I found it among regulars at my coffee shop. I participated in the Yale Writer’s Workshop and found it there too, even over Zoom. I joined a local book club where I was the only man for a while. I participated in late-night Twitter Spaces and started saying hi to neighbors. I joined the “Life of Dads” Facebook group, which — yes — is a fellowship.
For me, fellowship feels easier than friendship — lighter, more structured, and less emotionally fraught. And the funny thing is, focusing on fellowship has led to more friendships, even though I wasn’t looking for them. It has happened organically.
So, to all the men out there who struggle with friendship: Seek fellowship instead. You may find that the structure of fellowship makes friendship easier. Even if it doesn’t, your life will feel richer and more connected.
👋 Conversation starters:
Can you relate to this topic? What resonates and what doesn’t?
What is an example of fellowship in your life?
I targeted this piece at middle-aged dads, but I’m wondering what women and younger men think?
Comment below 👇
https://www.npr.org/2023/06/08/1181170335/i-love-you-man-the-male-friendship-recession
https://www.cnn.com/2023/09/18/health/male-loneliness-epidemic-wellness/index.html
https://amgreatness.com/2021/03/25/how-fellowship-could-drive-the-next-evolution-of-social-media
Great piece Jeff.
Has fellowship become harder to access in current American culture? Do we (middle aged men like me and you) face a different challenge from our fathers? Institutions that once provided this (e.g. churches, social organizations) seem diminished from my childhood. In that light, it's no surprise that so many choose to project their activities as a source of identity in social media.
Look how many IG / Twitter / Linkedin profile pictures are in the context of these fellowship activities.
Good stuff, sir. One thing I've always appreciated about Fellowship relationships is that because it's not about ME, while engaging in them, it's time that I'm not actively thinking about work / family / friends. It's about the task at hand (or in my case, the soccer game at hand). And that brief reprieve from my own bullshit is what I benefit from the most.