Has fellowship become harder to access in current American culture? Do we (middle aged men like me and you) face a different challenge from our fathers? Institutions that once provided this (e.g. churches, social organizations) seem diminished from my childhood. In that light, it's no surprise that so many choose to project their activities as a source of identity in social media.
Look how many IG / Twitter / Linkedin profile pictures are in the context of these fellowship activities.
Good stuff, sir. One thing I've always appreciated about Fellowship relationships is that because it's not about ME, while engaging in them, it's time that I'm not actively thinking about work / family / friends. It's about the task at hand (or in my case, the soccer game at hand). And that brief reprieve from my own bullshit is what I benefit from the most.
Jeff, I really love this distinction. Thank you for it. I also loved this line as it encapsulates a phase I'm currently going through:
"After my son was born, I walled myself off socially. I was the primary parent and only had so much time and energy beyond work and family. As a portfolio manager would say, my allocation to friendship was small. When I had the time to see friends I often lacked the energy, and when I had the energy I often lacked the time."
Great read, Jeff! Very relatable as well, not just as I think about the men I know and love, but also for me. I’ve lived in NY for 9 years and made one friend this year. I had deep fellowship with my CTI community for many years, but now that I’m no longer sharing the leading experience with others, I feel the deep void of both. Our house hits the market today as we prepare to move back to Michigan where both friendships and fellowships await our arrival. My partner has never lived there, but I know he’ll find fellowship amongst the paddling community there. I hope that will lead to friendships, and yet for him, that part doesn’t matter so much. Keep
Thanks Helen! Now that your fellowship bin has some space, it will be exciting to see how you fill it up as you move to a new home. Good luck with the move! If you see someone scrolling on your listing longingly, admiring that shoreline, that's probably me :)
I love this. Fellowship begets friendship. I think men are focused on their family, work and others before themselves. It’s important to invest time to make friends with the mindset that friendship may not materialize. And that’s ok. I read somewhere that it takes over 10 experiences with someone to build a friendship. Kind of like dating really. We men have to be more vulnerable to show our authentic selves in order to be a friend to someone. Keep up the great writing. Cheers.
Great read Jeff, highly relatable. I have personally made this observation in my head several times but never really understood it. Like, why do I feel like I am "friends" with fellow parents that I see and hang out with every day but never feel as close to them as my friends from college with whom I might speak to once a year? It's fellowship vs. friendship. Thanks for putting it in perspective!
...as a dog dad with 8000 time commitments already committed to i can completely relate to this piece...i never had a word to explain the certain types of friendships i seek (fellowship) in companion to the deeper bonds i am so thankful for (friends)...this is a great call to action Jeff and as you wrote in your AG piece "trading low-trust, bad-faith, negative-sum media environments with ones that are high-trust, good-faith, and positive-sum" seems like a goal many of us should adopt...as the creator economy grows, and tech continually pulls us more and more online, i like a vision of a technological future where everyone has an opportunity and a space to fit in and we are less attached to the idea of trying to be seen in places where we never will...to that journey of fellowship i send a cheers...
I am guessing you find fellowship when you walk your dog! Seriously, thanks for your kind words and edits, as well as the headline. The Dowager Countess gif was a nod to your playfulness too. Substack may be a good example of the somewhat higher-trust zone envisioned in my AG piece and the type of technological future you envision. Cheers back!
As a woman and fellow introvert, I definitely relate to all of this, though I've always speculated it is more of a struggle for the dads (who have a higher labor force participation rate, and therefore less time). Relationships from my book club, bible study, part time work, neighborhood, and children's groups are necessary pieces to my well being and relatively easy to manage, but there is still no substitute for the vital bonds and depth of caring that come from authentic friendships.
Agree on your latter point about authentic friendships. I do think men are wired different when it comes to friendship, and generally worse at it than women. It’s also possible I’m projecting. 😉
I started reading this and thinking it was full of cope ("I don't need friends, honest!"), but you finished on a productive and positive note, so that's good. Essentially you're just quibbling over terms. When is a "fellow" a "friend"?
Obviously there have been many studies saying that people's mental health is better with spouse, children (past the difficult early years) and close friends, but interestingly there have also been a couple showing that the "casual contacts" people have - the barista, the librarian, the old neighbour doing the tomatoes in his front yard you always chat to when you pass back on your way home from work - have more on people's mental health than the closer contacts. If you know Dunbar's Number and the ideas there, it seems that the 150 (or whatever the number is) is as or more important than the 5-15.
For my part, on the question of fellow vs friend, I'd call the fellow an "acquaintance." An acquaintance is someone you share only one activity with. You only see them on the train to work at the same time as you, you only work with them, you only buy coffee from them, you only play basketball with them, and so on. Take away that common activity and the relationship ends, like when you leave a job and someone says, "let's do lunch sometime," you know you'll never see them again, or maybe only a token once or twice and then it's over.
A friend is someone with whom you share more than one common activity - you do this and that, it's not that important, the relationship extends beyond the common activity.
Of course, friends can drift away. The universe has entropy, there's a natural tendency for energy to dissipate uselessly into the void. To keep the structure and complexity going you need to add energy to it. My wife is very good at this, she is originally from interstate, and has old friends there, she schedules weekly phone calls with them to catch up, the 30' or so in conversation keeps things simmering she goes back home, or they come visit here, where there'll be whole days together.
So if friends drift away, this does not necessarily indicate that friendship is objectively unimportant, but that neither person was organised enough to keep it going. In other news, if you ignore your wife your marriage will eventually dissolve, if you stop showing up to work you'll get fired, and if you stop going to your football club you'll be tossed off the team. Effort is required.
This effort seems like extra, and a lot on top of everyday life. But bear in mind that while relationships (and hobbies, jobs, etc) require us to put in energy, we get some energy out of it.
So for example the way I get fellowship/acquaintances is: I have a home business, a double garage gym. At least 3 days a week 12-18 different people come and visit me, and they hang out in their own groups of 3-6 people. When I first started this I was the primary caregiver for a 3yo boy. I was very tired and struggled a lot. But as the gym became busier, going from 2 to 5 to 15 people, I actually gained energy - so that when my second daughter came along a couple of years later, I actually had more energy with a 5yo boy and newborn girl than I'd had with a 3yo boy.
There's an idea of a "compass" - work, rest, play, pray (not necessarily religious, but quiet time alone). If you do too much work you're a workaholic, too much rest you're slothful, etc - these things have to be in balance. Th thing is though, it's the balance that counts. You can work more - if you rest, play and pray more. Going from 40hr pw to 50hr pw will be easier to handle if you have a regular morning coffee and book reading (pray) and evening jacuzzi (rest or, perhaps if you've a spouse, play). For me, the gym is of course work - but since people are coming along and talking and laughing and I run it myself completely autonomously, it's play, too. And that gives me energy for my other work, looking after the children.
All good thoughts. What I’m really saying is that the way to find friends is through fellowship communities. Your garage gym is a good example of creating that kind of space.
Great piece Jeff.
Has fellowship become harder to access in current American culture? Do we (middle aged men like me and you) face a different challenge from our fathers? Institutions that once provided this (e.g. churches, social organizations) seem diminished from my childhood. In that light, it's no surprise that so many choose to project their activities as a source of identity in social media.
Look how many IG / Twitter / Linkedin profile pictures are in the context of these fellowship activities.
Well said. Social media provides some semblance of fellowship, but it is typically much shallower than in-person. It's a simulacrum of the real thing.
Good stuff, sir. One thing I've always appreciated about Fellowship relationships is that because it's not about ME, while engaging in them, it's time that I'm not actively thinking about work / family / friends. It's about the task at hand (or in my case, the soccer game at hand). And that brief reprieve from my own bullshit is what I benefit from the most.
100%
Excellent piece Jeff. Your work from the draft to the final - truly impressive.
Nice header picture too :)
hey thanks Anthony
Jeff, I really love this distinction. Thank you for it. I also loved this line as it encapsulates a phase I'm currently going through:
"After my son was born, I walled myself off socially. I was the primary parent and only had so much time and energy beyond work and family. As a portfolio manager would say, my allocation to friendship was small. When I had the time to see friends I often lacked the energy, and when I had the energy I often lacked the time."
Thanks Cris! It's all about the cocooning.
Great read, Jeff! Very relatable as well, not just as I think about the men I know and love, but also for me. I’ve lived in NY for 9 years and made one friend this year. I had deep fellowship with my CTI community for many years, but now that I’m no longer sharing the leading experience with others, I feel the deep void of both. Our house hits the market today as we prepare to move back to Michigan where both friendships and fellowships await our arrival. My partner has never lived there, but I know he’ll find fellowship amongst the paddling community there. I hope that will lead to friendships, and yet for him, that part doesn’t matter so much. Keep
Writing! It matters.
Thanks Helen! Now that your fellowship bin has some space, it will be exciting to see how you fill it up as you move to a new home. Good luck with the move! If you see someone scrolling on your listing longingly, admiring that shoreline, that's probably me :)
It could be yours :)
I love this. Fellowship begets friendship. I think men are focused on their family, work and others before themselves. It’s important to invest time to make friends with the mindset that friendship may not materialize. And that’s ok. I read somewhere that it takes over 10 experiences with someone to build a friendship. Kind of like dating really. We men have to be more vulnerable to show our authentic selves in order to be a friend to someone. Keep up the great writing. Cheers.
Thanks Stan!
Love this Jeff. So relatable and could feel how you're pushing boundaries in your writing. Incredible work.
Celebrate this one :)
thanks Tommy 🤝
Great read Jeff, highly relatable. I have personally made this observation in my head several times but never really understood it. Like, why do I feel like I am "friends" with fellow parents that I see and hang out with every day but never feel as close to them as my friends from college with whom I might speak to once a year? It's fellowship vs. friendship. Thanks for putting it in perspective!
Hey thanks Justin! The parenting fellowship is real.
...as a dog dad with 8000 time commitments already committed to i can completely relate to this piece...i never had a word to explain the certain types of friendships i seek (fellowship) in companion to the deeper bonds i am so thankful for (friends)...this is a great call to action Jeff and as you wrote in your AG piece "trading low-trust, bad-faith, negative-sum media environments with ones that are high-trust, good-faith, and positive-sum" seems like a goal many of us should adopt...as the creator economy grows, and tech continually pulls us more and more online, i like a vision of a technological future where everyone has an opportunity and a space to fit in and we are less attached to the idea of trying to be seen in places where we never will...to that journey of fellowship i send a cheers...
I am guessing you find fellowship when you walk your dog! Seriously, thanks for your kind words and edits, as well as the headline. The Dowager Countess gif was a nod to your playfulness too. Substack may be a good example of the somewhat higher-trust zone envisioned in my AG piece and the type of technological future you envision. Cheers back!
As a woman and fellow introvert, I definitely relate to all of this, though I've always speculated it is more of a struggle for the dads (who have a higher labor force participation rate, and therefore less time). Relationships from my book club, bible study, part time work, neighborhood, and children's groups are necessary pieces to my well being and relatively easy to manage, but there is still no substitute for the vital bonds and depth of caring that come from authentic friendships.
Agree on your latter point about authentic friendships. I do think men are wired different when it comes to friendship, and generally worse at it than women. It’s also possible I’m projecting. 😉
I started reading this and thinking it was full of cope ("I don't need friends, honest!"), but you finished on a productive and positive note, so that's good. Essentially you're just quibbling over terms. When is a "fellow" a "friend"?
Obviously there have been many studies saying that people's mental health is better with spouse, children (past the difficult early years) and close friends, but interestingly there have also been a couple showing that the "casual contacts" people have - the barista, the librarian, the old neighbour doing the tomatoes in his front yard you always chat to when you pass back on your way home from work - have more on people's mental health than the closer contacts. If you know Dunbar's Number and the ideas there, it seems that the 150 (or whatever the number is) is as or more important than the 5-15.
For my part, on the question of fellow vs friend, I'd call the fellow an "acquaintance." An acquaintance is someone you share only one activity with. You only see them on the train to work at the same time as you, you only work with them, you only buy coffee from them, you only play basketball with them, and so on. Take away that common activity and the relationship ends, like when you leave a job and someone says, "let's do lunch sometime," you know you'll never see them again, or maybe only a token once or twice and then it's over.
A friend is someone with whom you share more than one common activity - you do this and that, it's not that important, the relationship extends beyond the common activity.
Of course, friends can drift away. The universe has entropy, there's a natural tendency for energy to dissipate uselessly into the void. To keep the structure and complexity going you need to add energy to it. My wife is very good at this, she is originally from interstate, and has old friends there, she schedules weekly phone calls with them to catch up, the 30' or so in conversation keeps things simmering she goes back home, or they come visit here, where there'll be whole days together.
So if friends drift away, this does not necessarily indicate that friendship is objectively unimportant, but that neither person was organised enough to keep it going. In other news, if you ignore your wife your marriage will eventually dissolve, if you stop showing up to work you'll get fired, and if you stop going to your football club you'll be tossed off the team. Effort is required.
This effort seems like extra, and a lot on top of everyday life. But bear in mind that while relationships (and hobbies, jobs, etc) require us to put in energy, we get some energy out of it.
So for example the way I get fellowship/acquaintances is: I have a home business, a double garage gym. At least 3 days a week 12-18 different people come and visit me, and they hang out in their own groups of 3-6 people. When I first started this I was the primary caregiver for a 3yo boy. I was very tired and struggled a lot. But as the gym became busier, going from 2 to 5 to 15 people, I actually gained energy - so that when my second daughter came along a couple of years later, I actually had more energy with a 5yo boy and newborn girl than I'd had with a 3yo boy.
There's an idea of a "compass" - work, rest, play, pray (not necessarily religious, but quiet time alone). If you do too much work you're a workaholic, too much rest you're slothful, etc - these things have to be in balance. Th thing is though, it's the balance that counts. You can work more - if you rest, play and pray more. Going from 40hr pw to 50hr pw will be easier to handle if you have a regular morning coffee and book reading (pray) and evening jacuzzi (rest or, perhaps if you've a spouse, play). For me, the gym is of course work - but since people are coming along and talking and laughing and I run it myself completely autonomously, it's play, too. And that gives me energy for my other work, looking after the children.
All good thoughts. What I’m really saying is that the way to find friends is through fellowship communities. Your garage gym is a good example of creating that kind of space.