An offer to aspiring gay dads and IVF parents, in honor of Father's Day
Reach out if you need a resource
Please note: I understand these practices stir debate, but this isn’t the place for that. Please move along if this isn’t for you.
This Father’s Day, I want to pay it forward. If you’re an aspiring gay dad — or anyone exploring IVF or embryo adoption — I’d be happy to be a resource. I’m not an expert, just someone who’s been through it and is willing to share what I’ve learned. Reach out in the comments or email me privately at jgsubstack at gmail. Feel free to share this with others who may be on this path.
I know firsthand how powerful a single conversation can be.
Ten years ago, I met a friend of a friend for lunch at a cafe in DC’s Logan Circle. He and his partner had gone through surrogacy and had twin boys. At the time, I was just beginning to explore whether I wanted to have kids. I hadn’t met many gay dads, had a lot of questions, and didn’t know where to start. Some of those questions felt uncomfortable to even voice, like: Did you have concerns about raising kids without a mom?
But this guy — let’s call him Matt — was open and generous with his story. He shared resources, talked me through the process, and offered the kind of real talk I needed. I discovered he was also a data nerd and had worked through many of the same questions by diving into research. He even sent me academic studies that had helped guide him.
Matt also pointed me to a Facebook group with thousands of gay dads around the world. I joined it that same day. At first, I felt like an imposter. I also had to get over some internal conflict (aka self-hatred) and cringe. But the sheer normalcy of the posts — graduations, Santa pics, everyday parenting struggles — was surprisingly comforting. I remember seeing a post and thinking: If these guys in rural Alabama can do it, so can I.
He told me about the surrogacy agency they used and offered to make an intro. I was just researching at the time, but a year later I worked with that same agency. Matt made the intro.
That lunch changed my life. I’ve never forgotten it.
Then, last week, I bumped into someone from my old neighborhood I hadn’t seen in years. He lit up when he saw me. “We have two daughters now, three and five,” he said, beaming as he showed me pictures on his phone. “We ended up using the same resources you told me about.” It felt incredible to know a casual conversation years ago had helped him and his husband start their family. I barely even remembered it.
I know these topics are controversial, and sharing my experience feels vulnerable. I don’t believe everyone should follow the same path. But for me, there’s nothing more meaningful, life-giving, or transformational than raising a child.1
So if you’re on this journey, or even just starting to consider it, I’d be honored to be your huckleberry.
When Matt and I first met, his boys were the age my son is now. Last month, they graduated high school and are headed to college.
The years fly by. If this is on your heart, get on it and reach out.
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In future posts, I may go deeper on specific issues, like my passion for embryo adoption and ethical issues around reproductive technology.
Admittedly not my lane, but today I talked for a few hours with a machine learning PhD student friend who just got back from a developing county where he was coaching some highly gifted high school students. It was his first time in a mentorship role, and we covered what that can build down the line in terms of making an unintended yet critical intervention in someone else's life and the ripple effects that can result.
Many people have fallen into the habit of framing meeting others as a coldly transactional networking opportunity that should offer immediate benefits. Instead we should be seizing opportunities to build social capital. A few minutes of someone's time in this case lead to a child being born, and then another. Pretty awe inspiring.
Another generous post, Jeff. I can pinpoint the lunch my husband and I had that kicked off our decision to adopt. I look forward to hearing you go deeper into your passion for embryo adoption and ethical issues around reproductive tech.